mommy?

I really couldn’t have said it better:

For me, doing WW was like having a crazy mother; a well-intentioned but obsessive and inconsistent and maybe even drunk mother. (Yes, I know that watching Mommie Dearest the other night probably made me think up this analogy.) But really, some days I’d be all, “WW Mommy, may I have some cake?” And she’d be half-passed out on the couch and she’d go, “Sure, shweetie.” But then other days she’d freak out and make me do all these bizarre chores, and I’d be like, “But WW Mommy, I don’t want to count out and line up all the Cheerios in the box,” and she’d scream that if I didn’t do it I wouldn’t be a good little girl, and it was all my fault for eating that cake.

WW makes tends to make me crazier about food than I already am.  I’ve considered going back many times, since I have lost weight on it many times. But, I have never been able to keep off the weight (obviously) and I am not sure it is for me. Nonetheless, I haven’t made any progress on the weight-loss front. But I haven’t really been trying, so there is that. It doesn’t help that we have a shit ton of candy, for the one (one!) trick-or-treator we had. And the newsroom is full of leftover candy. And I like to eat the candy.

But, I don’t think that a “diet” is really what I need. I just need to change my diet and exercise. And I plan to get right on that. Monday. Yes, Monday, I swear. Also, R and I are planning some kind of detox over Thanksgiving, since we will not be celebrating with any family and will have a long weekend. Who knows, maybe having no family relationships will end up being beneficial.

In other news, I have found the worst show on tv. It is called Desire and it makes me want to murder. Is that bad? It is like a wanna-be Sopranos meets One Life to Live. Seriously, I am tempted to video-tape it so I can force to watch it. Even better, are the commercials that come on during this show. I’ve seen Jessica Simpson hawking Pro-active, Brooke Shields selling toothpaste and Carmen Electra promoting a diet pill that she apparently doesn’t take “for men or for women.” I am not sure what that means. I think this show may actually just be filling between commercials. It is actually too bad to be true. I feel kinda bad for the people who work for this show. They must know it is utter crap.

Only 49230 words to go!

I am doing NaNoWriMo http://www.nanowrimo.org/
Today I wrote 770 words at lunch time. Woo hoo. I am not sure if I will get to work on it anymore tonight as I am watching Thank You For Smoking with R and our friend C.

A week

7 things from the last 7 days

1. I cut my hair (10 inches)
2. I made deadlines
3. I bought a new couch
4. And a new lamp
5. And two new chairs
6. I also bought way too much Halloween candy (3 bags, 1 trick-or-treater)
7. I learned that my mother is not inviting me to Christmas at her house.

7 things for the next 7 days

1. I will do graphic design homework
2. I will eat a bunch of leftover candy and later regret it
3. I will watch Grey’s Anatomy
4. I will email my mother an apology from my husband
5. I will balance my checkbook
6. I will read news about child abuse and cry (i.e. Woman duct tapes her children together and goes to work)
7.  I will snuggle with my dog

Creepy Baby Doll and Forgiveness

Tonight I am going to a Halloween party as a Creepy Baby Doll. Sounds odd, I know. Perhaps I will post a picture of it, to better explain the creepiness of the deal.

I just got off the phone with my sister who told me that my mom isn’t actually avoiding me. She is avoiding R, my husband. And since we, you know, live together in wedded bliss, she is avoiding me as a direct result. There was a little family fight in January between my mom, my sister and me. (Sisters vs. Mom) R got involved and said some choice words to my mom. And then I said some worse things and it just escalated. I have apologized for my behavior. R has not apologized for his. Neither has my mom, but she never apologizes for anything because she is always the victim, which works out nicely for her.

R keeps promising me that he will write an apology letter, but he has yet to do it. So, since January, I have had maybe 3 conversations with my mom that have lasted over 10 minutes. Because she apparently doesn’t want to talk to me when R is around and doesn’t want to call me because she doesn’t want to have to talk to R if he answers the phone. And Blah. Blah. Blah.

I am trying to work on forgiveness. Forgiving my mom for her part in this situation and more. Forgiving her for involving our other family members. Forgiving her for lying. Forgiving my aunt for her eventual involvement and unkind words. But I am having a hard time. And I am realizing that I have no precedent here, because my family may “accept apologies” but is apparent that they never forgive. I don’t know how to do it!

The recent murders of the Amish schoolgirls has made me even more aware of forgiveness. If their parents can forgive such a horrendous act, why can’t I forgive my mom for being such a crappy parent?

Not sure how I will feel tomorrow

I just realized that yesterday I wrote that I was depressed and thirteen days before that I wrote that I wasn’t depressed. I am feeling pretty ambivalent right now. Maybe I am just manic. Ugh. I don’t know. But, I have “call about psychiatrist” written in my planner for Monday.

Tastes just like the good old days…

Today I found not one, not two, but three big freakin grey hairs in my head. (I am only 26, people! This should not be happening!) My response to this was to eat a pint of Blue Belle Banana Split Ice Cream. Which, you may not know, fights grey hair. And then I pulled those motherfuckers out. Which was kinda dumb, in retrospect. Because another grey hair, only bigger and badder, is just gonna grow in the spot. But, this is the way my mother dealt with her grey hairs for years and years before she finally decided to start covering it,  so it was my natural response.

But, if I did everything the way my mom did, I would be on my second husband by now. So, I am getting my haircut next Friday and I will ask the hairlady what she thinks about my impending oldness. I have an unusual natural haircolor, so I am not going to attempt covering it on my own. Although, I am really envious of AfrIndie Mum’s pink hair and have been considering going back to the fire engine red of my teenage years. We’ll see.

Rumbley in my tumbly

Oh, I’ve had a lot going on my head lately. A lot of blog posts. Left unblogged and all that crap. Which leads to sleepless nights, apparently.

The lowdown:

• Lady pains are back with a vengence. Both sides, including the left-ovary-less side. I have also been ultra-bitchy and emotional. I have been having crazy, crazy dreams. When I mentioned the crazy dreams to a girl at work, she asked if I was expecting. Heh. She is very new agey and said that this is a fertile time of the year. I asked her if I should be taking extra precautions and she said yes. I did just have my period, so I doubt the fertileness of the moon, or whatever, has worked its magic on me. But I do have an extra pee stick in the bathroom (doesn’t everyone?) so perhaps I should do it just for shits and giggles.
• My anti-deppresant isn’t really working anymore. I initially started taking the AD because I was having anxiety attacks 2-3 times a day. After I started the medicine, they stopped completely. Until now. In the past month, I have had about one a week. And last night I realized I am depressed. Depressed and anxious. I am spending $40 a month on medication to avoid that, so I think something needs to change.
• I really like the new show “6 Degrees.” I get the feeling that I am the only one that who is watching it.
• I am pretty sure sting-rays are hatching a plan to take over the world.
• I am avoiding my mom. I am pretty sure that she is avoiding me too, so its not taking much effort.
• My liver hates me. I am supposed to go to a specialist and have a biopsy done, because in a sonogram and CAT Scan in February it looked bad (fatty liver, I think they called it). But I am terrified. And I have been avoiding the doctor, because I know she is going to ask me about it. She suggested I lose weight and it would help my liver, but I can’t seem to do that either.
• I am hungry.

not really a post

So, I will have to take a day off soon. Actually, I will have to take 6 days off because I found out that my vacation time does not carry over to next year. And since there are only 11 weeks until the new year, I am going to have to figure this out soon.

Laundry Day

My day:

Slept in. Had smoothie. Did laundry. Went to park. Had bagels and mimosas with friends. Played fetch with dog. Came home. Did laundry. Cleaned bathroom. Changed sheets. Went to party. Watched football. Ate some tasty food. Came home. Did more laundry. Cleaned living room. Cleaned out email inbox. Wrote email to best friend. Swept floor. Tried new vacumn (which scared the dog). Did more laundry. Read blogs.

And now I am writing. I am tired. I wish I had one more day in the weekend. I think I am going to take a day off soon.

Lost or Found. Or not.

So, it appears my wallet was stolen today. At work. Off my desk. By the cleaning lady or her son. Nice. I also spilled gas all over my new car and myself this morning. And got into a very big fight with R.

But, on the plus side, I also went to the zoo. And the Tigers won. And I got a new baby blue wallet.

So I am going to drink some champagne tonight. To celebrate the Tigers. And my friend C’s birthday. And my new wallet.